FTB’s Rapid Reaction/Stream of Consciousness Following the 900th Win in Penn State History 

• Know how I know life is slowly, SLOWLY getting back to normal? Penn State won, yet I – and I’m gonna guess a lot of you reading this – am/are ticked off. While it warmed the cockles of my heart to watch Penn State play “Neanderball” the entire 4th Quarter , it didn’t completely cover up the annoying reality that we all had to pay full attention to a Penn State-Rutgers game in the 4th Quarter.

• In defense of Sean Clifford, these receivers need to help the dude out a little bit.  Parker Washington dropped two catchable – not perfect, but catchable — balls inside the 10. The INT that bounced off Lutz’s hands wasn’t pinpoint accurate, but could’ve (should’ve?) been caught. And yes, the wind knocked down the deep pass to Dotson, and he definitely got held, but the ball still dropped right through his hands. As spectacular as this group has performed during garbage time, the wide receivers don’t seem to make a lot of plays when the game is competitive– sans the last two drives of the Nebraska game.

• Best audible of the game goes to Matt Millen. Did you catch this? Oh man, our boy Matt came THHHIISSSSSS close to saying Rutgers QB Noah Vedral “runs like a girl” after he ran like a girl on Rutgers’  stupefying 4th and 6 QB draw late in the 4th Quarter. But like a true pro, Millen reeled back in all but the G in Girl and then said, “How should I say this?” Probably the best stop-start move of the entire day.  Millen concluded this Great Escape by saying, Vedral “is not a running…guy.”

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From Pushee to Pusher in 7 Days, Penn State’s Defense Flipped the Physicality Script and Dictated Terms vs. the Khaki Crusader’s Wounded Group of Wolverines 

FTB CHARTING – BOX SCORE

Thank GAWD for those three bonehead offside penalties by the PSU defensive ends, or else we wouldn’t have much to whine about this week.  

Here’s a wild idea: Hold a Bake Sale and buy a football on a stick, guys. Problem solved. 

(Googles picture of a football on a stick). 

(Finds one. Clicks link…eyes bulge out of head at price of football stick. 70 DOLLARS!?!?!)

(Quits writing about 1-win football teams forever…wholesale orders broomsticks and rubber VOIT P.E.-class footballs…buys a ‘BUILDING AN EMPIRE’ mug on Etsy.)

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Forget the Fireworks. Fundamentals and Simplification of a New Offense That’s Probably a Full Off-Season Away from Complete Functionality Got the Job Done vs. Sheep in Wolverines’ Clothing. 

FTB CHARTING – BOX SCORE

If coffee truly is for closers, then no one should be better caffeinated than Penn State’s offense.

For a program that (justly) received a ton of crap for not slamming the door on opponents late, I feel not enough is being made of Penn State’s 5:38-minute tractor-pull downfield to ice things inside an empty Big House. 

Seven runs. 

Three Knees.

Two 3rd and 2 conversions. 

All against a defense that KNEW what was coming, but still couldn’t stop it.

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If Only Brent Pry’s Squad Could Skip the First Half and Just Play Two Second Halves…Man, That’d be Sweeeeet. 

FTB CHARTING FIRST HALF – BOX SCORE 

Lazy Writer’s Note: We tried not to rehash stuff covered in today’s Film Study, so if you want the full scope of Penn State’s defensive woes read this first then click here.

Same song, different station.

Penn State defensive coordinator Brent Pry further cemented himself as the Master of Second Half Adjustments when he figuratively threw a Dixie cup full of warm water from the Gym Class drinking fountain (always the worst) upon the weekly inferno of ineptitude that ignited once again during the initial 30 minutes of action.

Seriously, how the hell does this keep happening? 

Better question: Why are we still angry and surprised when it does?

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Answers and Solutions Continue to Elude Penn State’s Sputtering Ford Edsel Offense as Recurring Negative Trends Pile Up Saturday After Saturday 

FTB CHARTING – BOX SCORE

One play – the successful 2-point conversion to Keyvone Lee that reduced Iowa’s lead to 31-21 during the sliver-of-false-hope phase of Saturday’s depantsing  — gave us pause and made us ponder a Big Picture question:

How under James Franklin’s thumb is new OC Kirk Ciarrocca when it comes to play-calling and system installation?   

What triggered this question was a tweet from Saturday. Credit Matt Bortner of 1450 AM ESPN State College for eyeballing this reuse of a 2019 play call.

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FTB’s Rapid Reaction/Stream of Consciousness After Penn State Made History in the Worst Possible Way

• Penn State is 0-5 for the first time in the history of the football program, which began play in 1887. Here are some other things that happened in 1887:
  • Punxsutawney celebrates the first Groundhog Day.
  • Buffalo Bill’s Wild West Show opens in London, England.
  • Construction of the Eiffel Tower begins in Paris, France.
  • Jim Thorpe is born.
  • Nikola Tesla begins experimenting with X-Rays.

• Hypothetical: Let’s say the devil suddenly appeared in your living room on Oct. 23rd and wanted to make a wager. The devil pays you $10,000 if Penn State has one or more wins before Thanksgiving. If they don’t, you have to chop one of your balls off. Raise your hand if you’d be down a testicle like me.

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Welcome to the New Age. Much Like the Old Age it Lacks Imagination, Often Seems Like it’s Draggin’, but Every Now and Then Becomes Radioactive.  

Man, 501 total yards! (Pops cork) 

After the Pppppppppppppppppppp]ppenn State offense posted its best statistical performance of 2020, is it any wonder why the entire FTB staff feels like cartoon Al Gore when Lisa Simpson bought a copy of his book, Sane Planning, Sensible Tomorrow. 

Lift the needle, move it back, and play it again, Al! 

THIS is what we signed up for. THIS is what we expected to see from the jump…well, except for the quarterback being different, the RBs being 3rd, 4th and 5th stringers, the true freshmen WRs outplaying all but one of the vets, and the reshuffled O-line…with Kirk Ciarrocca flipping the right switches from high above. 

Who knows, perhaps this week they’ll actually score some Pppppppppppppppppppp]ppoints, too! Dare to dream, people!

Sidenote: For those not in on the joke, here you go: 

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FTB’s Rapid Reaction/Stream of Consciousness After Penn State’s Fourth Loss of the Season

• Yeah, Penn State didn’t quit. Congrats, I guess?  Is this really where we’re at as a program? Commending guys for fighting hard after face-planting out of the gate against a winless team with a freshman quarterback making his first start? Appreciate the effort, but it can’t be applauded. 
• James Franklin’s decisions to A) Start Sean Clifford and B) Not pull him after that Nuke LaLoosh INT on the Nittany Lions’ first drive cost Penn State the game. Even pre-LASIK Jameis Winston could clearly see the emotional swing and energy boost when Will Levis entered the game. 

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Tale of Two Halves for the Nittany Lions Defense vs. Maryland. Therefore, We’re Focusing on the First Half Because That’s Where This Sad Story Was Truly Told. 

FTB CHARTING – BOX SCORE

For those of you who ducked out at halftime and found something better to do than listen to Matt Millen (who we LIKE, so don’t get it twisted) sing George Clinton lyrics, Penn State’s defense actually showed up in the final 30 minutes vs. Maryland. 

No, seriously. Yeah, we were shocked, too. 

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Sigh, When Scouting 93 Plays Feels Like Being Tortured for 93 Days…Here’s A Second Look at the Nittany Lions’ Clawless Attack vs. Maryland For All You Masochists Out There.   

FTB CHARTING – BOX SCORE 

We’ll take ‘Trash Heaps’ for $1,000, Alex.

Predicted to vie for a conference and national championship before the season, this unit’s ‘offensive’ display through three weeks has fans googling where the hell the Guaranteed Rate Bowl is played.

What is The Penn State Offense?

There. There’s our touching Alex Trebek tribute. For a Canadian, he seemed like an OK dude, I guess. Here’s hoping he’s in a better place, where parting gifts like Rice-A-Roni and Turtle Wax flow like Niagara.  

Now, let’s hold our nose and dive face-first into this Turd Sandwich.  

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