Welcome to the New Age. Much Like the Old Age it Lacks Imagination, Often Seems Like it’s Draggin’, but Every Now and Then Becomes Radioactive.  

Man, 501 total yards! (Pops cork) 

After the Pppppppppppppppppppp]ppenn State offense posted its best statistical performance of 2020, is it any wonder why the entire FTB staff feels like cartoon Al Gore when Lisa Simpson bought a copy of his book, Sane Planning, Sensible Tomorrow. 

Lift the needle, move it back, and play it again, Al! 

THIS is what we signed up for. THIS is what we expected to see from the jump…well, except for the quarterback being different, the RBs being 3rd, 4th and 5th stringers, the true freshmen WRs outplaying all but one of the vets, and the reshuffled O-line…with Kirk Ciarrocca flipping the right switches from high above. 

Who knows, perhaps this week they’ll actually score some Pppppppppppppppppppp]ppoints, too! Dare to dream, people!

Sidenote: For those not in on the joke, here you go: 

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Where there is no hope, it is incumbent on us to invent it. – Albert Camus

Introduction

Welcome back to The ABC’s of Penn State Football which is our weekly look at analytics, basic stats, and historic context of our favorite college football team. Maybe, just maybe, the worst of the season is behind us and there are glimmers of hope. Enjoy!

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Penn State made a position switch on Saturday that might not have saved the game but might have salvaged the season.

Or maybe the season was already beyond salvaging, and the switch only solved one of many, many problems while possibly creating another.

It is increasingly difficult to draw any firm conclusions about this Penn State team, which lost in a different fashion for the fourth straight week, other than that it’s not very good. The Nittany Lions have been consistently sloppy, but also shown flashes. They’ve been more than competitive when it comes to total yards accrued vs. yards allowed (501-298 on Saturday), a metric that doesn’t mean anything without context but usually speaks to general competency, and yet they continue to be insanely bad in the red zone, where they now have eight touchdowns in 19 visits.

The insertion of Will Levis at quarterback for Sean Clifford provided more of those scoring chances, and 20 of the team’s 23 points, as well as a vastly needed spark that seemed to permeate not only the rest of the offense but the rest of the team; the defense allowed only eight first downs and six points after Levis took over early in the second quarter. There was the powerful running style the 220-pound bruiser had shown last season, yes, but there was also a confidence and decisiveness in the pocket we had not seen from his predecessor this fall.

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FTB’s Rapid Reaction/Stream of Consciousness After Penn State’s Fourth Loss of the Season

• Yeah, Penn State didn’t quit. Congrats, I guess?  Is this really where we’re at as a program? Commending guys for fighting hard after face-planting out of the gate against a winless team with a freshman quarterback making his first start? Appreciate the effort, but it can’t be applauded. 
• James Franklin’s decisions to A) Start Sean Clifford and B) Not pull him after that Nuke LaLoosh INT on the Nittany Lions’ first drive cost Penn State the game. Even pre-LASIK Jameis Winston could clearly see the emotional swing and energy boost when Will Levis entered the game. 

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Editor’s Note: Each Week During the Football Season Stand-Up Comedian and Co-Host of the Punch Drunk Sports Podcast, Jayson Thibault, picks games against the flips of a John F. Kennedy Half-Dollar. 

The Contestants

Jayson Thibault is a stand-up comedian and original member of the Punch Drunk Sports Podcast along with Air Shaffir and Sam Tripoli.  On Nov. 27, Thibault will be recording his new comedy album, “Covidiot” during his performance at The Market Lounge & Comedy Club in Valparaiso, Indiana.  FTB is without question THE No. 1 Penn State football site in Northwest Indiana, so far all our readers in the area (Brian) be sure to check him out! 

The JFK Half-Dollar Coin was first minted in 1964. This particular 50-cent piece we’re flipping has been in the cup holder of a 2015 Toyota Camry for some time and is a tad sticky. If it picks winners, we’re not going to wash it. If it doesn’t, we’re spending it.   

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Tale of Two Halves for the Nittany Lions Defense vs. Maryland. Therefore, We’re Focusing on the First Half Because That’s Where This Sad Story Was Truly Told. 

FTB CHARTING – BOX SCORE

For those of you who ducked out at halftime and found something better to do than listen to Matt Millen (who we LIKE, so don’t get it twisted) sing George Clinton lyrics, Penn State’s defense actually showed up in the final 30 minutes vs. Maryland. 

No, seriously. Yeah, we were shocked, too. 

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Sigh, When Scouting 93 Plays Feels Like Being Tortured for 93 Days…Here’s A Second Look at the Nittany Lions’ Clawless Attack vs. Maryland For All You Masochists Out There.   

FTB CHARTING – BOX SCORE 

We’ll take ‘Trash Heaps’ for $1,000, Alex.

Predicted to vie for a conference and national championship before the season, this unit’s ‘offensive’ display through three weeks has fans googling where the hell the Guaranteed Rate Bowl is played.

What is The Penn State Offense?

There. There’s our touching Alex Trebek tribute. For a Canadian, he seemed like an OK dude, I guess. Here’s hoping he’s in a better place, where parting gifts like Rice-A-Roni and Turtle Wax flow like Niagara.  

Now, let’s hold our nose and dive face-first into this Turd Sandwich.  

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