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Introduction

Death. Taxes. Beating Maryland.

I won’t pretend to know what it’s like being a Maryland fan. Heck, I’m not even sure there are Maryland fans. But if there are any turtle backers out there, I assume they gotta feel like Bill Murray’s character from Groundhog Day – early season competency that fades like a snowflake on your tongue by late October, Rinse, Repeat. There’s not much that’s certain in life, but as confidently as anything I can say that, as currently staffed, Maryland cannot be a good football team…ever…and their belief that maybe, maybe, “this year” will be different always makes for one hilarious Saturday in the fall.

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Sean Clifford became Penn State’s career passing leader Saturday, when the uber-veteran quarterback went 12-of-23 for 139 yards and one touchdown in the team’s 30-0 smacking of Maryland.

He also, thanks largely to a Nittany Lion defense that channeled Bobby Boucher from the first series to the last, was the best quarterback on the field, as Taulia Tagovailoa went 11-of-22 for 74 yards, not including his early completion to Aric Harris, one of his offensive linemen.

It was not an afternoon for aerial fireworks in soggy Beaver Stadium.

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• Can’t speak for the 106,000 suckers who spent their hard-earned dollars for the privilege to don a garbage bag and sit upon a soggy slice of aluminum for 4 hours but, snug and warm inside the climate-controlled confines of this overpriced condo, that might have been the most enjoyable Penn State football-viewing experience we’ve had since….gosh, 2017? Help us out here: when’s the last time Penn State thoroughly annihilated a “decent” opponent from opening kickoff to final kneel down? Damn that was fun. As we said on Twitter: Other than the future gym teacher/pharma rep. throwing the football for the Nittany Lions, Penn State looked like the greatest team in the history of the sport during the 1^st half. The defensive front 7 had Tua Light seeing ghosts, the freshmen RBs ran with a point to prove, Jake Pinegar did his best Justin Tucker impression, and James Franklin had better-than-expected form on his push-ups. A+ effort, all around.

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As the days grow shorter, the nights turn colder, and as the holidays loom on the horizon, it’s once again time for us all to build up another Teflon-tough mental callus necessary for watching football alongside your dusty, sweater-clad relatives.

Oh it’s coming…peanut gallery comments spewing from your Werther’s Original, don’t-touch-the-thermostat, Matlock enthusiast grandparents about how today’s players are Charmin soft — what with their concern about their brains, earnest off-the-field interests, facemasks and forward passes.

As you turn to roll your eyes without detection, they’ll harken back to the Sepia Tone days of One-Platoon Football when guys played BOTH offense and defense, sucked on salt tablets when they were thirsty, then put in 14 hours mining iron ore and captured Fort Ticonderoga from the British as soon as the final whistle blew.

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Introduction

In previous years, coming off a loss, a sleepy and windy Saturday in Bloomington, Indiana would’ve been a recipe for a Penn State letdown. This year though, the Nittany Lions’ talented youngsters (along with one notable 24-year-old) guided Penn State to a thorough bounce-back against an overmatched Hoosiers squad that lost their quarterback before halftime and lost their 2020 mojo, oh….(checks calendar)…22 months ago. Still, no matter the opponent, Saturday’s 45-14 win was a great sign for a team that emotionally folded the tents in November last year.

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There are three ways for freshman college football players to see the field:

1. They replace an injured player
2. They get into a game that is well in-hand (or well out-of-hand)
3. They prove that they deserve to be there instead of an upperclassman

Penn State’s Class of 2022 continued to use those various entry points to Saturday’s 45-14 romp over a mostly hapless Indiana team, which illustrated both the hope for the Nittany Lions’ future and what makes their present a bit vexing.

The Nittany Lions’ offensive line was beaten up entering the game, with Olu Fashanu and Landon Tengwall left behind in State College with injuries. True freshman Drew Shelton started in place of Fashanu — a role he could find himself in on a more-permanent basis if Olu leaves for the NFL Draft — and accorded himself nicely, as did not-freshman-but-first-year-Nittany Lion JB Nelson, who replaced an injured Hunter Nourzad at guard on the first possession.

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• 92.3% sure I used this topper before…but whatever. It fits: As Chumbawamba once pontificated, these Nittany Lions got knocked down, but they got up again for the second time this season, further distancing themselves from the rolling snowball of suck that was the second half of last year. With “nothing to play for” in front of a scattered, gap-riddled, British-smile of a crowd the Nittany Lions tub-thumped Indiana as if there were still pollsters to impress. The haters won’t like this, but kudos to James Franklin and the rest of the staff for erasing at least one of many troubling narratives attached to his 9-year tenure…well, for now, anyway.

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