Dispensing Thoughts & Opinions: Penn State vs. Sparty
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• 10-2. Pretty much a Cotton Candy season. Enjoyable but hardly filling and a tad empty but sure as hell tastier than whatever gruel Mom slap on our plates in 2020 and 2021. As far as the way the 12-game slate played out, this season reminds us a bunch of the 2017 season – double-digit wins but none of them worth memorializing with one of those commemorative plates or coins they’re always advertising to insomniacs on TV at 3 a.m. In 2017, Penn State’s “best” win came in the dying breaths of an Instant Classic at Iowa – a team that eventually won 8 games. In 2022, Penn State’s “best” win came in the dying breaths of an Instant Classic at Purdue – a team that won its 8th game today.
•What can we say about Sean Clifford? As far as Penn State quarterbacks go, he certainly was one of them.
• This won’t happen – because everyone (including us) will be too busy fishing for clicks by cranking our Drew Allar content assembly line up to 11, like Lucy at the Chocolate Factory – but Mike Yurcich’s flat-tire passing attack should face the same scrutiny this spring that Penn State’s rudderless run game did last spring. It’s broken. Injuries have led to protection issues that weren’t issues back in September. Wide receivers struggle to separate. Despite brandishing a freshmen backfield tandem that defensive coordinators HAVE to respect, nothing seems natural, fluid, or easy when the ball is in the air.
• Did some jealous ex-girlfriend “key” the Land-Grant Trophy and take a Louisville Slugger to the Sparty figurine? 99.9% certain Carrie Underwood wrote a song about this exact scenario. Always knew that generic gold-painted generic football man up top was a player in more ways than one.
• Enough about this dumb game…Buckle up for the most unpredictable/wild/program-shifting 6-8 weeks of Penn State Football we’ve ever seen! We contemplated typing out our best guessimation on who goes pro, who stays, who goes portaling, but from everything we’ve read on the Internet (so it must be true) this college football offseason will be completely up for grabs as rich sausage-fingered collar-wearers hurl sacks of cash at established stars who have no reason to leave their current college situation except for the influence of several dead presidents and one kite-flying whoremonger (looking at you, Ben). We’d bet a substantial stack of money (which we don’t have) that Joey Porter Jr. will be Notes App’ing his thanks to Nittany Nation any day now…but besides him, who knows what’s up? Does 19-year-old Olu Fashanu bolt for an awkward hug with Roger Goddell? What about Parker Washington, Curtis Jacobs, Juice Scruggs (has a COVID mulligan left)? Who’s unhappy and looking for greener pastures? Is Penn State’s NIL situation solid enough to ward off deep-pocketed, sweaty-necked vultures from other schools looking to pluck an established starter? Any WRs looking to catch rocket balls from the main character of a terribly-titled children’s book? Because we could use 2 or 3.
•For those wondering whether Mel Tucker’s $95 million albatross of a contract cut into Michigan State’s helmet decal budget…no, the 1-sided block ‘S’ was intentional, a Tip of the Hat to former Spartans head coach and father of the Land-Grant Trophy, George Perles. Prior to guiding Michigan State to a single Big Ten title and a bunch of other mediocre seasons, Perles was a defensive assistant with the 1970s Pittsburgh Steelers – they of the single-sided logo on the helmet. Perles borrowed the Steelers boring/bland helmet decoration concept at Michigan State from 1983 to 1994. #TheMoreYouKnow (insert rainbow here)
• Our best guesses on which PSU players will wind up on the All-Big Ten team, and where:
Offense: TE Brenton Strange (2nd Team…outside shot for first but Iowa has another decent white guy, per usual), OT Olu Fashanu (2nd Team), C Juice Scruggs (2nd Team), RB Nicholas Singleton (3rd Team), RB Kaytron Allen (Honorable Mention).
Defense: CB Joey Porter Jr. (1st Team), S Ji’Ayir Brown (1st Team), CB Kalen King (2nd Team), LB Abdul Carter (2nd Team), DE Chop Robinson (2nd Team), CB Johnny Dixon (3rd Team), LB Curtis Jacobs (3rd Team), PJ Mustipher (3rd Team…sympathy selection from media/coaches more than anything. He just wasn’t the same this year and wasn’t a great fit in Diaz’s defense). DT Hakeem Beamon (Honorable Mention).
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