Comedian vs. The Coin: Big Ten Week 0

Editor’s Note: Each Week During the Football Season Stand-Up Comedian and Co-Host of the Punch Drunk Sports Podcast, Jayson Thibault, picks games against the flips of a John F. Kennedy Half-Dollar. 

The Contestants

Jayson Thibault is a stand-up comedian and original member of the Punch Drunk Sports Podcast along with Air Shaffir and Sam Tripoli.  On Nov. 27, Thibault will be recording his new comedy album, “Covidiot” during his performance at The Market Lounge & Comedy Club in Valparaiso, Indiana.  FTB is without question THE No. 1 Penn State football site in Northwest Indiana, so far all our readers in the area (Brian) be sure to check him out! 

The JFK Half-Dollar Coin was first minted in 1964. This particular 50-cent piece we’re flipping has been in the cup holder of a 2015 Toyota Camry for some time and is a tad sticky. If it picks winners, we’re not going to wash it. If it doesn’t, we’re spending it.   

The Format

Thibault picks 10 games against the spread. The JFK Coin picks 10 games against the spread via flip (Heads = Favorite. Tails = Underdog.) Simple.

TEEBS’ FREE MONEY WINNERS

MINNESOTA VIKINGS (-4) over Atlanta Falcons

I’d take this -1,000,000.  I’m always betting against the Falcons for the rest of the year. They’re a 3-13 team at best. If I gave you 16 picks and hit on 13 of them, you’d text me every week before placing bets and nominate me for gambling Sainthood come January. Also, hammer the OVER. Both defenses give up 30-plus points a game, and both offenses aren’t complete fire tires.
UPDATE: I don’t care if COVID postpones this game, bet it anyway.  

MIAMI HURRICANES (-13) over Pitt

Dan Marino went to Pitt. Got drafted by Miami. He wore No. 13. The spread of this game is 13 points. Coincidence? Doubtful. I suspect The Illuminati might be involved here, and I never bet against them so take the Canes.  

DALLAS COWBOYS (+2) over Arizona Cardinals (Monday)

This game is Andy Dalton’s childhood dream come true. Plus, backup quarterbacks replacing starters after major foot injuries that color commentators initially diagnose as a cramp are 17-1 since 1987. Also interesting to note, I completely made that stat up.

Rest of Teebs’ Selections:

RAVENS (-7.5) over Eagles

COLTS (-7.5) over Bengals

DOLPHINS (-9.5) over Jets

NOTRE DAME (-16.5) over Louisville

GEORGIA (+4.5) over Alabama

NORTH CAROLINA (-13.5) over Florida State

AUBURN (-3) over South Carolina

JFK COIN’S TOP FLIPS

TULANE (+6.5) over SMU (Friday) 

This line smells funny. The undefeated Mustangs are favored by less than a touchdown? Something is up. I got a hot tip from my Dad’s good buddy and King of the New Orleans Underworld, Carlos Marcello, that the Wave is a live dog. A live dog from the guy that delivered me dead voters in Chicago?!?! I’ll take it!

NAVY (-2) over East Carolina

I served as a Lieutenant in the Navy and have sent my seamen into some dark and questionable places over the years, so the Midshipmen are the easy pick here. Plus, East Carolina doesn’t have any electoral votes, so screw em.

ARIZONA CARDINALS (-2) over Dallas Cowboys

For obvious reasons, f*** Dallas.

Rest of JFK Coin’s selections:

LIONS (-3.5) over Jaguars

STEELERS (-3.5) over Browns

BUCCANEERS (+1) over Packers

BILLS (+3.5) over Chiefs (Monday)

SYRACUSE (+3) over Liberty

KENTUCKY (+6) over Tennessee

GEORGIA TECH (+27) over Clemson

BONUS: Teebs’ Pandemic Parlay of the Week

Mike Tyson (-4200) over James Buster Douglas

1980 Soviet Olympic Hockey (-3.5) over USA

Bunch these two together next time they’re on ESPN Classic (if that channel still exists). The Russians are free even if their economy isn’t, and Douglas is a slow, lumbering heavyweight fighting with a broken heart since his mother died. Plus, if Douglas does touch up Tyson, I’m sure the champ’s corner will have plenty of icepacks and not do something ridiculous like fill a rubber glove with tap water to handle the swelling.