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• Kudos to Arby’s clairvoyant in-house marketing team for landing the title sponsor spot on ABC’s Penn State-Illinois broadcast. Great choice. In fact, I’d say the decision makers in horsey sauce-stained suits couldn’t have picked a more “on-brand” game to advertise on. I mean, this contest WAS Arby’s — soggy, repulsive, depressing, nauseating, disappointing, and really, really, really tough to swallow.

• (Deep breath) Where to even begin…

…guess we’ll dish out credit where credit is due: swollen Illinois HC Bret Bielema authored an masterful run-blocking opus today using an unwanted collection of 300-pounders that he verbally eviscerated five days earlier. The Illini somehow managed to rack up 357 yards on the ground despite posing zero threat through the air. In several standard down situations, Illinois lined up 7 O-linemen, 2 tight ends, 0 wide receivers, and just Red Rover’d right through the unprepared Penn State defense, thus validating every slow-footed Big Ten stereotype your co-worker from Chattanooga or brother-in-law from Houston has ever spouted at you.

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Sponsor: Whether tailgating in Happy Valley or watching the action at home, take your Saturday spread to the next level with Sauces, BBQ Dry Rubs and Bloody Mary Mix from the 409 Tailgate Club. Visit 409’s Online Store HERE.

• Well, this is the risk you knowingly take when you construct a beautiful sand castle so close to the edge of the beach during high tide. In the blink of an eye, it can all violently wash away. Penn State’s inability to land a competent backup in the Transfer Portal, (or its misguided assessment of its current quarterback situation beyond Sean Clifford) meant the 2021 season would always be a heartbeat away – or in this case, a wrapped right shoulder away – from flatlining.

• Granted, Ta’Quan Roberson was dropped into an unenviable scenario – on the road, at Kinnick, facing a desperate crowd searching for any reason to use (and likely by now, lose) its collective voice. In the Big Ten, that’s pretty much the deepest of deep ends…but, good lord, Roberson did NOT look prepared for the moment. Took about 4 seconds to figure that out after the third-year, former 4-star belly-flopped on a bobbled snap. From there, Roberson piecemealed together a clunky 3^rd Quarter scoring drive full of Sandlot scrambles and dump offs. Sure, those 3 points upped the Nittany Lions’ lead to 20-10 but they also revealed to Iowa DC Phil Parker that this hobbled offense was no longer a threat to do anything downfield or capable of completing levels concepts (like Clifford did repeatedly in the first half) that put Iowa’s zone defenders in damned-if-you-do, damned-if-you-don’t conflict scenarios.

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October 14, 2000: Prior to this Weekend, that Date Marked the Last Time Indiana Football was Shutout AND the Last Time Someone Actually Bought a ‘Zero’ Candy Bar – the RC Cola of Desserts

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Here we stand, a shepherd without a flock, a non-objectionable 16^th century European explorer (if there are any left) without a map, a yappy social media influencer without a WiFi signal holding an off-market energy drink that tastes like battery acid chased by the melted droplets found at the bottom of a Fla-Vor-Ice.

In other words, we are lost.

Twelve months ago, our unprofessional, unreliable and definitely unprofitable media empire arose from a firm foundation of snark and sarcasm fueled by the early-season ineptitude of Brent Pry’s 2020 Penn State defense. Missed tackles. Blown assignments. Communication issues. Lack of gap integrity. Jayson O-sacks-weh. Lamont Wade in coverage.

God, it was glorious…a bottomless reservoir of maladroitness (August 28^th on my Word of The Day desk calendar) that quenched our thirst to be a condescending jerk in print – an act that will never grow tiresome (cough).

But now…well, now there’s nothing to point and laugh at.

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Sponsor: Whether tailgating in Happy Valley or watching the action at home, take your Saturday spread to the next level with Sauces, BBQ Dry Rubs and Bloody Mary Mix from the 409 Tailgate Club. Visit 409’s Online Store HERE.

• Stands full of fans vs. Ball State: cathartic. The triumphant return of the Beaver Stadium Whiteout last Saturday: an invigorating revival. But today, when fans ducked out early in the 4^th Quarter moments after Tyler Warren’s plodding touchdown put Penn State up five touchdowns YET still had plenty to bitch about amongst friends back at the tailgate…well, that felt normal.

• Actually, that’s not entirely fair. ‘Plenty’ is a stretch. Sean Clifford threw for 400+ yards – the first Penn State quarterback to do so on this side of the pond (Christian Hackenberg eclipsed the 400-yard mark while navigating the Slip N’ Slide Croke Park turf in Ireland seven years ago). Jahan Dotson was Jahan Dotson. Parker Washington flashed the type of big-play ability that had been MIA (from him, we’re saying) through three weeks. And Penn State’s two-deep defense shut down an inferior opponent. Overall, Penn State did more good than bad during this schedule-filling, revenue generator masquerading as a competitive athletic contest. It’s just that the bad was really, really, really BAD.

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