October 14, 2000: Prior to this Weekend, that Date Marked the Last Time Indiana Football was Shutout AND the Last Time Someone Actually Bought a ‘Zero’ Candy Bar – the RC Cola of Desserts

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Here we stand, a shepherd without a flock, a non-objectionable 16^th century European explorer (if there are any left) without a map, a yappy social media influencer without a WiFi signal holding an off-market energy drink that tastes like battery acid chased by the melted droplets found at the bottom of a Fla-Vor-Ice.

In other words, we are lost.

Twelve months ago, our unprofessional, unreliable and definitely unprofitable media empire arose from a firm foundation of snark and sarcasm fueled by the early-season ineptitude of Brent Pry’s 2020 Penn State defense. Missed tackles. Blown assignments. Communication issues. Lack of gap integrity. Jayson O-sacks-weh. Lamont Wade in coverage.

God, it was glorious…a bottomless reservoir of maladroitness (August 28^th on my Word of The Day desk calendar) that quenched our thirst to be a condescending jerk in print – an act that will never grow tiresome (cough).

But now…well, now there’s nothing to point and laugh at.

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• Stands full of fans vs. Ball State: cathartic. The triumphant return of the Beaver Stadium Whiteout last Saturday: an invigorating revival. But today, when fans ducked out early in the 4^th Quarter moments after Tyler Warren’s plodding touchdown put Penn State up five touchdowns YET still had plenty to bitch about amongst friends back at the tailgate…well, that felt normal.

• Actually, that’s not entirely fair. ‘Plenty’ is a stretch. Sean Clifford threw for 400+ yards – the first Penn State quarterback to do so on this side of the pond (Christian Hackenberg eclipsed the 400-yard mark while navigating the Slip N’ Slide Croke Park turf in Ireland seven years ago). Jahan Dotson was Jahan Dotson. Parker Washington flashed the type of big-play ability that had been MIA (from him, we’re saying) through three weeks. And Penn State’s two-deep defense shut down an inferior opponent. Overall, Penn State did more good than bad during this schedule-filling, revenue generator masquerading as a competitive athletic contest. It’s just that the bad was really, really, really BAD.

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Just Like the Guy Controlling the Between-Play Beaver Stadium Music, Penn State’s Passing Attack Didn’t Let Up in a 28-20 Whiteout Win vs. Auburn

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FTB CHARTING    BOX SCORE

Accountability is just a click away.

Scroll three-quarters of a digital page down the Penn State-Auburn box score released by the Sports Information Department. Don’t whine. The link is right above this paragraph. Go ahead. We’ll wait.

OK, Nooooow….stop! There! Right there: the names of every member of The Malignant Seven – better known as James Carter’s SEC officiating crew that absolutely bungled an otherwise perfect night of college football. Referee. Line Judge. Side Judge. Umpire. Back Judge. Linesman. Field Judge. They’re all listed…

…except the replay official.

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 If You Can’t Hire The One You Love – Because of a BTS Coaching Search Power Struggle Ripped From the Pages of a ‘Succession’ Script– Love The One You Hired

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Editor’s Note: No Auburn Defense Film at 11 this week because until I slip and fall in the right place I have to keep my 9 to 5 – a job that had me on the road in BFE last week. Planning Offense and Defense Film at 11’s for Iowa, Ohio State, Maryland and Michigan. Thanks for your patience and understanding.

Relationship Tip No. 1: Honeymoon with Akron.

No, not in Akron…unless you got some weird, out-there industrial plight and architectural decay fetish (hey dude, no judgment here). Honeymoon with Akron, perhaps the softest of several OOC schedule-filler marshmallows from the MAC.

That’s what unwanted, unwelcomed, 8^th-choice, not-from-‘round-here new Auburn head coach Bryan Harsin arranged Week 1, and 60 minutes and 60 points later Cupid’s arrow pierced the deep-fried hearts of Auburn’s meddlesome, never-satisfied, impossible-to-deal-with boosters…well, for one week, at least.

In the most prolific offensive debut in Auburn history, Harsin and new OC Mike Bobo called plays and pulled levers that amassed 600+ total yards, tallied the most points (60) in a game since 1971, and scored on their first eight possessions. Embattled and often erratic Tigers QB 10-Bo Nix – think Sean Clifford but with better hair – completed 20 of 22 throws vs. the zipless Zips, good for a single-game school record 90.9 completion percentage that really should have been 95.5 percent if Tigers WR 5-Kobe Hudson didn’t Featherstone this dot late in the second quarter.

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 You Can’t Go Home Again, But If You Try Sometimes, You’ll Get What You Need

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I will always look back with deepest fondness on Penn State’s 2005 Big Ten Championship season as a reclamation of something we perhaps all took for granted, coming, as it did, so unexpectedly on the heels of four losing seasons in five years that felt at the time like the inglorious end of the Paterno era. One personal memory from that fall, which has stuck with me for over 15 years, came during the afternoon before the #16 Lions’ legendary home upset of sixth-ranked Ohio State.

As I wandered through the soggy tailgate fields, drinking in the the sights and sounds of celebration undamped by the foggy drizzle, I caught sight of a young man – a student or recent grad, mostly likely – wearing a white hoodie that had clearly been frantically cranked out that week to seize on excitement around the team’s first national ranking in over two years. It bore a message that hit like a thunder clap: The distinctive Nittany Lion logo and, in classic block-collegiate font, “We’re Back.”

That’s it. Simple, beautiful, just like our uniforms. “We’re Back.” I will never forget seeing it, because we were, and we knew it. There was a lot of season left to go, but there was something in the air. It was a statement about the program’s return to national relevance, but also about the people who loved it, neatly summing up where we were physically and psychologically, back in our happy place.

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• Because Tulsa and Oklahoma State prolonged their in-state pillow fight past 3:30 p.m. with a string needless incomplete passes, FS1 joined the Penn State-Ball State broadcast seconds before kickoff, so those of us at home missed out on the pre-game Beaver Stadium ambiance, which sucked. But, for an out-of-conference, come-get-clobbered-for-a-fat-check schedule filler, the joint sounded louder than usual, didn’t it?

• Predictably, the unit Penn State fans chomped fingernails fretting over in the preseason – the Nittany Lions unproven defensive line – can’t be blocked, and the two offensive groups that were sure to be transcendent – the 5-deep RB corps and “the most talented tight end room in program history” – belong on the side of a milk carton.

• About those running backs…where’s the lightning to Noah Cain’s thunder? Yes, it was refreshing to finally see Keyvone Lee quit switching directions aimlessly like a vibrating electric football player with a faulty green base and rip off a handful of solid north-south runs after halftime. But spelling Cain with Lee, or Lee with Cain, feels like tossing away the Dasani and picking up an Aquafina. They’re redundant. What’s the deal with John Lovett? Where’s Caziah Holmes?

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