For the Penn State offense, it’s starting to feel like 2020 again, boys and girls. And, believe it or not, that’s not necessarily a bad thing.

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We were promised fireworks – the big, loud, colorful, explode-y sort; the kind your Instagram followers (or Facebook friends if you’re 55) insist on posting every July 4^th for reasons that escape us – but through four weeks our hands are starting to burn from holding sparklers too long.

We were told this would be a thrill ride in a Ferrari – fast, exhilarating, the ultimate six-figure neutralizer of height and physical appearance – and instead we’re stuck in a Ford Fiesta Uber with a driver who won’t stop talking. Yeah, sure, we’re reaching our desired destination but the journey from Point A to Point B  has been several galaxies shy of glamorous thus far.

All off-season, pundits gabbed we’d see the best of Mike Yurcich. You know, deep balls flung all across the yard. Rainbows. Points-a-plenty. Home run carries. Pixie dust. Puppy dogs. Exotic formations that feel like your first kiss. Tempo. Smashmouth spread. Taco Bell at 3:14 a.m., eight drinks deep. And yet, if anybody had the gumption to tug at the third-year PSU OC’s five-o’-clock shadow, it wouldn’t shock us if the guy pulling the offensive levers is really Kirk Ciarrocca in a Scooby Doo “bad guy” mask.

Statistically speaking, the 2023 Penn State offense makes zero sense. Blue and White bizzarro world.

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Let It Flow, Let Yourself Go, Slow and Low, That Is The TemPro

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WARNING: The following image depicts graphic grass-stained content and scenes of excess mass, a bunch of Eastern European last names on the back of jerseys, plodding gains, 18 program-required knee braces, and foretells a never-ending cycle of overtime ineptitude that some might find disturbing.

Viewer (reader?) discretion is advised.

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It’s hideous! Oh, the humanity! Avert your gaze, children! (shudders)

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41 plays of suffocating dominance sans one 66-yard hiccup for six that we’ll dissect like it’s the freakin’ Zapruder Film.

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OK, open up your laptop and go to peacocktv.com.

No, you don’t have to type out ‘www.’ I mean, you can if you want…you just don’t have to. This isn’t 1999. Know what, it’s not a big deal. Just get to the Peacock homepage. OK, good.

All right, up in the upper right there, click on your account profile. Yeah, the upper right. Right ther…no….yeah, right there. Click the blue bird. You’re the blue bird. See it’s got your name right underneath.

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Like The Masters, lying about your inability to be impartial when selected for jury duty, and co-workers guilting you into buying six boxes of Thin Mints and four boxes of Tag-A-Longs, PSU message board meatballs (of which we are  proud card-carrying members) drawing unfounded conclusions from player height and weight fluctuations is truly a tradition unlike any other.

Last week, Penn State dropped some scraps in the content-starved media’s slop bucket with the release of an updated 2023 roster. Here’s what stood out to us:

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This 4-man blitz popularized by current Baylor HC Dave Aranda roughly a decade ago is probably the ‘safest’ pressure package in Manny Diaz’s Balls-to-the-Wall defensive binder.

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On Dec. 17, 2021, new Penn State defensive coordinator Manny Diaz – still very much a stranger in a strange place on that date – “met” with the local media for the first time over Zoom.

After a series of clunky, repetitive, and unnecessary pleasantries from every reporter asking a question from their bedroom/home office, multiple inquires seeking more details on how Miami did him dirty, and even some prodding into his ‘Grand Opening, Grand Closing’ 18-day tenure as Temple’s head coach in 2018, we finally got to the good stuff: What’s a Manny Diaz defense all about?

“Philosophically, (former Penn State DC) Bob (Shoop) and I are very closely aligned in the way that we like to be aggressive, attack-pressure defenses,” Diaz said that day.

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This rarely-used Run and Shoot concept within Mike Yurcich’s offense has been more ‘miss’ than ‘hit’ through two seasons in Happy Valley…but that could quickly change now that a certain someone is the QB in command. 

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The year is 1965 and Mouse Davis, a diminutive high school football coach in BFE, Oregon, is desperately searching for a solution to his “pissant” problem. By pissant (Mouse’s words, not ours) we mean that a bunch of stringy, short, skinny, sawed-off but swift young adults litter his roster.

So Mouse – a pissant himself, hence the nickname — picks up a book. Not just any book, though.

In a storyline that eerily parallels Biff Tannen’s rise to wealth/power in Back To The Future 2, Davis thumbs through a copy of Tiger Ellison’s book “Run and Shoot Football: Offense of the Future” – The Old Testament of Run and Shoot football, if you will – and it forever changes his life.

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Like Jay Bilas at the NBA Draft, expect to hear the word ‘UPSIDE’ repeated ad nauseam when announcers and pundits analyze Penn State’s newest out-of-market roster addition. 

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Score one for the Shields Building.

The rusty bike chain on Penn State’s Transfer Portal Schwinn during 2021-22 open recruiting windows, James Franklin’s calculated off-season lobbying about the University Park campus’ sluggish admissions process WD-40’d (verb) the turnaround time needed to get prospective student-athletes accepted and registered for classes just a year later.

Case in point: Malik McClain.

According to Sean Fitz of On3, the former Florida State sophomore receiver officially entered the Transfer Portal on Wednesday, January 11^th, took an official visit to Penn State on Sunday, January 15^th, and attended his first class at Penn State on Wednesday, January 18^th. No word if he was 10 minutes early or seated in the front row.

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Who The Heck is Calling Plays for the Nittany Lions Offense…And What Has He Done With Mike Yurcich?!?!

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Tsk, Tsk, Mr. BTN TV Truck director guy. Surely, you’ve heard that wise ol’ saying about ASSUMING, right? How it makes a four-legged perissodactyla mammal that’s smaller than a horse with long ears and a braying call of you and me?

Well, not me.

Just you.

I know better than to try and squeeze-in an RPO instant replay while Penn State OC Mike Yurcich – a guy who made his mark (and his millions) igniting a Highway-To-The-Danger Zone, All-Gas-No-Brakes, Meep-Meep up-tempo offense that constantly stresses not only defensive coordinators’ aptitude to think on the fly, but also the cardiovascular capacity of gooey 300-pound DTs — mans the sticks.

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War Damn Eagle? Nah, More Like Worn Down Eagle, as Penn State’s Offensive Line Proved  That Speed – Even SEC Speed – Is No Match for a Solid Wall of Competent Blockers

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Just like Seacrest: Orange, Out.

Often imitated but never duplicated, Penn State – creators of the “monochromatic mayhem” known as The Whiteout – sent another color-themed crowd home with an L for the second time in as many opportunities this season.

Despite facing two squads that received votes in the preseason AP Top 25 poll – Purdue and Auburn – both on the road, the Nittany Lions offense has produced Mike Yurcich Results even if they’ve somewhat strayed from traditional Mike Yurcich Methods.

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A Couple of Young, True Freshmen ‘Nursery Lions’ Graced the Beaver Stadium Stage for the First Time and Wound Up Stealing The Show as the Vets Rest for an SEC Showdown.

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(Dino Babers postgame preacher voice)…Click link for context. Jokes are always funnier when you have to explain them first. Comedy 101.

THE LAST TIME IT HAPPENED…the 2020 Chevy Equinox, outfitted with a 1.5-Liter Turbo Engine, EPA-estimated 39 MPG Highway Rating, and Low-Speed Forward Automatic Braking, was the baddest thing on the road!

(gathered crowd yells in approval)

THE LAST TIME IT HAPPENED…’WAP’ topped the charts, as a torn nation collectively came together to determine, once and for all, whether there were or whether there were not some W***** In This House?!?!

(Awkward, scattered, confused claps)

THE LAST TIME IN HAPPENED…gas was $2.10 a gallon, Baby Yoda dolls were on back order, Antonio Valentino was Antonio Shelton, musicians we’ve never heard of had their own personal combo meals on sale at McDonald’s, the Queen of England was a spry 94, and Sean Clifford was a senior.

(Silence…not even a cricket chirp)

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